Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Tension of Dreaming and Sitting Still

I'm always more reflective at night. After the lights are off and the house is silent, it's finally quiet enough to hear inside. Although lately I've been trying to drown out my thoughts. Mostly because I need to ignore them to persevere. It sounds dramatic, but it's really pretty simple: I can't have what I want.

I'm a dreamer by nature. A planner and a starter. I love complexity and fixing things, or even creating something out of nothing. But routines and maintenance kill my soul. I think a part of it dies every time I have to repeat the formulaic process. So I dream to keep going. Some day I'll get to do... (fill in blank). And then I can survive the boredom. Yes, boredom is my enemy.

And it's really hard to watch others thrive. They get to live out the dreams in my heart while I'm still waiting. Sitting still. The kids have a book about having to learn to sit still in school. Sitting still. Sit still. Still sitting still. Sit still! I feel like that kindergardener who wants to run and play and explore. But right now it's circle time and I need to sit still and listen and learn.

So what am I learning? Well, I've learned that I suck at sitting still. I have no patience. But I AM trying every day. I'm trying very hard to be content where I am. And to keep the dreams alive, instead of crushing them because they are too painful to remember. So I'm gently nourishing the dreams in my heart while still living one day at a time. Holding that tension is emotionally exhausting. And complicated. But I do like complexity. Hmm...


7 comments:

Ted Wallace said...

I love you, and I'm proud of your ability to live in the tension. It will not be forever, harvest time is just around the corner (metaphorically speaking...).

-ted

Mary said...

living in the tension. such a hard thing to do. trusting that God's plans for you will be accomplished in his timing, and to be willing to let go of the good for the best.

May God grant you peace in the waiting.

Rita said...

First, thanks for visiting my blog. I read your profile and it always amazes me to find someone with so many of the same interests.
I also read your entry and it too tugged at my heart. I don't know your circumstances but I have a daughter recently diagnosed with clinical depression. I've learned to adjust my life to adapt to her on another level. Sitting Still and just breathing is a common phrase these days.
I'd love to stay in touch if possible and again thanks for visiting me!
Rita

Three Hundred Sixty Five said...

I was just goofing around, snooping into other people's blogs, and when I read yours, it surprised me because ~ I just wrote about waiting on mine. I have a slightly different take on it, but I can identify with you in that situation. Waiting bugs me most when I'm at a stop light, or in line at the grocery store.....but for significant things in life to happen I have more patience. Wierd. Good luck in your journey. I wish you well.....

erin said...

I too just happened upon your blog. Actually, it was this pas weekend, and when I read the little tid-bit about you, it spoke to me. I didn't have time to comment that day. I have never been clinically depressed, but I have battled with panic attacks. Thankfully, the Lord brought me through that, and I manage to function at better than normal these days. I pray that your journey is not that long and that you find so much along the way. God bless!

Shawnette said...

Michelle,

I'm just sitting at the library, waiting for Corey to finish his ABA before I take him back to school and come upon your blog while checking my mail. Your words have touched me, and I just want to encourage you to keep perservering and continue to use the fruit of the spirit, i.e. patience that the Holy Spirt has given to God's children. I like to remember this promise of God, " Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." So if we keep our focus on him and remember that He holds the to key to our happiness, He will take care of the rest.

I love you more than you may know, and you will always hold a special place in my heart.

Shawnette

Susie said...

I just discovered your blog and was instantly touched what you wrote. I am one of those people who can say, 'I get it. I can relate' I feel 'it' too. Thanks so much for sharing from the heart. I am going to add a link to your blog on my blog at http://mylifeonebitatatime.blogspot.com/ You are a kindred spirit. I also took a peek at your Etsy shop. Totally love the boxes. I will visit often.

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