Reaching and Returns

Well, things are slowly returning to normal after a busy summer. The sound of silence is priceless! Of course, I only get that when Timothy takes a nap, but it's still something.

I just finished up another round of the SPARK art/writing challenge, so I'll post on that when the site is finished, but I thought I'd at least show you my art piece. It's called "Reaching," based off of the writing my friend did.

Ted & I have done a lot of soul searching for direction lately, and I think we're heading in the right direction. Next semester we're both going back to school for our masters degrees- his in Urban Affairs & Social Work, and I'm switching mine from Counseling to Social Work. God keeps pulling on my heart strings to help people in practical ways, holistically- body, mind, and spirit.

Recently, I was able to go with a friend who ministers to women in the sex industry. It was my first experience seeing where it all takes place, and I wasn't really sure how I'd react. We visited 4 local brothels (I was shocked to see how many there were in our city!) and gave the women homemade brownies with Scripture verses on them. We just told them we cared about them and asked them if they needed prayer for anything. The verses talked about how God had created them with a purpose in mind and that they were valuable. Even though we weren't able to go inside this time, I know God's word never returns void, and I'm praying that the truth of those verses will sink deep into their souls.

I've also been challenged to return to writing more. I still need to finish my book. I had put it aside for a while as I was doing more art, but now it's calling my name again. Last night I was wondering if I was dumb for even trying to do this, if this was just a big waste of time. But this morning I read a devotional that talked about this writer and how words really impact others. I knew God was reminding me that I'm writing this book for a purpose. Even though it's tough to keep it up without feedback, and I'm my worst critic, I have to keep trying. I'm not writing it for me. I'm writing it for others, and I pray that it will bless someone out there when it's finished.

When I Grow Up

I wonder if all children decide ahead of time who they’ll be when they grow up? I used to lie in bed at night, dreaming of a beautiful, confidant woman that laughed a lot, and was successful at everything she tried. 

I remember sitting in church, with my legs cris-crossed Indian-style on the pew, and thinking that someday I would cross my legs like a real lady. And someday, I would stop wearing my hair in a ponytail. I would actually enjoy fixing my hair, wearing makeup, and high heels. Someday I’d outgrow my shyness, my sensitivity, my shame. 

But a few years ago it hit me- I had been wrong. Here I am, all grown up, with a husband and three kids. And I still feel the same inside as I did at eight years old. I still want to curl my legs under me and hold a pillow everywhere I go and wear jeans and flip flops and a ponytail all the time. I don’t match the picture in my head of a “mom” or “wife” or “professional” anything.

I just want to hang out with people and love them and help them. I want to just be me, with no expectations. As stupid or dorky as I want to be. Or else I want to be that superwoman who is always in control and knows the answer and looks like a model and can take anything the world gives. But I can’t be both. And I hate pretending.

I haven't changed all that much. My weaknesses, habits, and quirks are all the same. And when the revelation came, I was disappointed. Disappointed in myself. I realized that as a child, I wanted to be different from who I actually was. But I can’t change who I am inside. Not the core characteristics. Sure, I can grow. I can feed my insecurities, or keep challenging them. But eight-year-old Michelle is a surprisingly accurate portrait of twenty-eight-year-old Michelle. Learning to be ok with that, even to embrace that, is my constant challenge.

I’ve spent too much of my life trying to be someone else. I keep trying to cover up my uniqueness, trying to clothe myself in others’ skin. But I’m beginning to like my differences. I’m starting to slowly reveal what I’ve hidden all these years. I’m testing the waters to see if the world ends, but of course, it keeps on going. It’s not as shocking as I expected it to be.

UPDATE: In honor of my 30th birthday coming up, I'm going to be giving away a fun mixed box of goodies. Check back for the upcoming post and pictures!

A Good Self-Talk

The show on Friday was a success! We had a great turnout and lots of energy from the crowd. My only 2 goals at a show: talk to people (push past the awkwardness and try not to let them see it) and have fun. For most people, these goals are very simple, a natural byproduct of performing. For an artistic introvert however, being relaxed in front of a crowd is a huge chore. So I'm happy to say that I met my goals for the evening.

I was especially nervous because I was selling my art for the first time in public. So in addition to my already exposed lyrics and vocals, I felt extra vulnerable. There were now multiple ways to judge and reject me. But I was happily surprised by peoples' reactions. I ended up selling almost $100 worth of my art! Hopefully my newfound confidence will carry over.

While I'm so thankful to have opportunities to explore art and music, writing has been somewhat disappointing lately. After attending a writer's conference a few months ago, I came away feeling overwhelmed and disillusioned. I had been pouring all of my efforts into writing my book, but after listening to the speakers, it seemed futile. 

The odds are definitely against me as a writer. But this afternoon, I had a good talk with myself about it. I asked myself why I wanted to write. The part of me that was disappointed was the part that hoped to earn a living from writing. But the part of me that longed to share hope with other women- that part didn't care at all what anyone thought, or if it was published by a big name, or even made any  money. 

So I thankfully reminded myself that I am compelled to write, and I challenged myself to keep doing it. This weekend I'm going to visit my in-laws and give myself a "writing retreat." And I will keep looking for opportunities to write, regardless of the pay or visibility. Because I honestly want to help encourage other people, I will seek out creative ways to do it. Maybe sending a card to someone on my heart or calling up a friend just to tell her how awesome she is. I don't have to wait for someone to ask me to be a blessing. I'm going to start living that out intentionally.

New Art

This week was much better- no major crises and I don't know what to do with myself. :)

I finally finished a piece of art that I started last year (click on "Delicate" to see a bigger image), and I sent it to my partner in a writing/art swap for inspiration. She will write something based on my art, and I will create art based on the poem she sent me. You can read more about it here. I'm really excited about this challenge, since I've tried for a while to find ways to unite two of my passions (writing & art).

I also finished some more pendants and posted them in my Etsy shop, so you'll have to stop by and take a peek.

Here are some recent additions:

Thanks to all of the wonderful artists who participated in the One World One Heart Giveaway! I actually won 2 mixed media pieces (yahoo for me!), and one of my art pendants is going to the winner of my giveaway, Jann Cook.  Thank you to all of the wonderful people who signed up for my drawing, and especially to those of you that left such encouraging comments. OWOH was a blast & I will definitely be involved again next year!