Surrendering Control

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So much of my life has been spent learning to choose my will over my emotions. To choose to believe the truth of God’s Word, choose to act despite what I feel. And for me, this is very hard. But I know it’s right. It’s counter-intuitive to surrender, to free fall in God’s grace when you have no control. Since we moved from Texas to France this year, this has especially been true. And this past summer in particular.

Moving, language school, family, paperwork, daily life- everything was exhausting. When we arrived for a week of outreach in southern France I was already completely empty. I had nothing to give. Every day was a struggle to choose to act with grace, kindness, humility, flexibility, and energy I didn’t have. When I desperately wanted to run away and be alone, I couldn’t. Instead, I had to be painfully present with 100 other people, lead worship, serve.

But I felt God’s grace, given just enough for that day, no more. I felt so raw and sensitive, but instead of freaking out, yelling, crying, hiding, I stayed. I served. I read books to my youngest, I washed dishes, handed out literature on the streets, talked with people, prayed. I did everything I could.

I was pulled in so many different directions. And then the kids started getting sick, one by one. Caring for them on a mattress on the floor of a church, without any privacy was less than ideal. I thought I would break open completely. But as I’ve often found, when I’m completely empty, God somehow still uses me. With me out of the way, he gets 100% of the glory. I’m happy to be part of that equation.

I didn’t know that I’d be leading worship, had no chance to practice with people who showed up last minute. Sometimes not even knowing if I was supposed to lead until just before I had to do it. In French. Sometimes I couldn’t make copies, had the wrong translations, the microphones went missing, and we just had to wing it.

It sounds trite. But I love to plan and be prepared, especially when I’m in charge of something. I feel like it’s good stewardship. I take it seriously. And then there was the language barrier. So frustrating, embarrassing, painful even. I was so limited.

But God was so faithful. He used my tiny widow’s mite, he blessed and broke my humble loaves and fishes and used it to feed the hungry people. People were blessed and worshipped. I was able to really connect with people, listen to them, pray for them. Praise God.

After the outreach, we decided to stay on a few extra days to spend some time with my sister’s family. The plan was to rent an apartment, spend time at the beach, cook meals together, play games, catch up after spending two years apart.

But the place we rented didn’t end up working out. Some friends rearranged things for us last minute, and we ended up staying at an even better apartment owned by a local church. It was beautiful, spacious, with a veranda upstairs, a little yard, ivy and flowers covering the walls, even air conditioning downstairs! I felt so incredibly blessed at this unexpected gift, like God was rewarding me for making it through the previous week.

Just as we’d hoped, we hung out at the beach most of the day, made dinners together, let the kids watch movies on our laptops, played games, and after the kids were asleep the adults talked for hours on the veranda. It was wonderful.

Until the day we came back to the apartment and discovered that we had been robbed. They took our laptops, cell phones, expensive cameras. They threw our things everywhere. We were trying to figure out what had been taken, trying to talk to the neighbors (in broken French). It was chaos.

My eight-year-old was crying so hard, clinging to me, afraid the robbers were around the corner and would come back. So I knelt down, looked into his eyes and tried to tell him the truth. It’s ok. It’s ok. We’re all safe and together. It’s just stuff. We’re ok. I’m here with you. Then I repeated the process with my inconsolable daughter. And then with my oldest son. It’s going to be ok. We’re safe. They’re just things. Everything was completely out of my control, but God gave me peace in that moment, and helped me be calm for everyone else.

The boys all slept closer to us that night. We’ve been robbed before. It makes you feel sick to see that strangers, bad guys as my youngest calls them, touched your things and took your favorite items. So violated to know that they were watching you, waiting for you to leave. So unsafe to know that they broke through strong wooden doors to get inside. Angry to know that they took your children’s things and to realize that they will carelessly wipe away all the information. All the beautiful photos of the family, all the stories you collected, all the memories gone.

I couldn’t sleep that night. As usual for me, when the crisis is actually over, then I finally feel it. I woke up feeling so heavy and sad. I thought this place was a gift from God for working so hard, for my struggling through the outreach the previous week. But now I couldn’t wait to leave.

Despite calling the police several times that day and the next, they never came. Ted finally went to the police station and tried to file a report, no easy feat in another language. The rest of us just stayed at the apartment and waited, trying to distract the kids and not worry. We were able to go to the beach one more time, trying to leave on a more positive note. But I couldn’t wait to get home after two weeks of solid struggle.

Looking back, I realize that I was in an intense training period of trust. I was surrounded by situations I had no control over. But God was faithful. He gave me grace and strength for each day. And I can choose to praise him and love him and find joy in spite of the mess. We are safe. It’s just stuff. We are together. God is good.

My prayer then is the same I pray now- that God would help me see with his eyes, give me his perspective. I never stop needing him like I did those two weeks in southern France. Just because I’m not surrounded by chaos right now doesn’t mean that I depend on Jesus any less. I pray for humble courage to walk in God’s truth, despite how I feel. When it feels like life is out of control, he whispers, You are safe. You’re not alone. I’ve got this. I don’t know what I’ll face tomorrow, but I know my God is with me, holding my hand, walking beside me through it all.

Update & Reflections

Newest Update and Reflections HERE

Busy but Thankful

We've already had a great response from our recent newsletter. Thank you to everyone who has contacted us, donated, or told us that they're praying for us! We truly appreciate it. If you didn't get an email from us, let us know so we can keep you updated.

This weekend we bought most of our supplies to fix up the house, but we have to store it inside until our first "workday." Some guys at church will be helping us repair our fence, replace woodwork on the house, paint, do some landscaping, etc. Today we're having a new heating unit put in. We're also selling some furniture and sorting through what things we need to keep or get rid of. So needless to say, our house is a wreck!

In the midst of it all, we have to find time to play with the kids and do normal things. 

And especially since it's Easter weekend, we remember the tremendous sacrifice of our Savior. Nothing can compare to His love. In spite of the craziness around us, we fix our eyes on Jesus and thank Him that we have eternal life, hope, & joy!

Update on Team Wallace

So... it's been a while since I've posted anything. Sorry about that. But click HERE to understand why. We're on our way to France this fall!

Outreach Report from France!

This is the outreach report from our missions trip to Clermont-Ferrand, France. The pictures and quotes are from our team- including us! You may have to click on the image of the page to see it more clearly.

We're Headed to France!

It's very surreal to announce that we'll be leaving for France one week from today! God has been so good to us. We have raised $10,000 in a few short months, gotten our passports, booked our flights, hotels, and trains. So many people contributed to this miracle, and we are grateful beyond words!

We'll have three days in Paris and the rest of the time we will be in Clermont-Ferrand. The last few weeks we've been reading travel books, devotionals, studying French and trying to keep it all in perspective. We don't just want this to be a great vacation, or to get lost in a whirlwind of events. We desperately want God to move in our hearts- in us, our kids, and in the people of France.

Please pray for us over the next few weeks- for protection, for all the details to come together, and especially that God would do an amazing work in and through us (and in spite of us!). We are so excited to watch this journey unfold before us, and we can't wait to see what God has in store!

On top of the Eiffel Tower in 1996, my first trip to France

Update: Final Push!

Bonjour!

We wanted to let everyone know where we stand right now:

1. We have 87% of our budget so far. This leaves us $1290 left to raise in 2 weeks!

2. We leave in a little over 2 weeks! (July 18th)

3. We are really excited!

It seems like all we can do and think about right now is this trip to France. We have been in communication with our team there and with the family we will be staying with. We even have a list of worship songs in French to practice! For some more details, visit our website: www.liveconnectgrow.com.

This past week has been a real roller coaster ride. We have both felt very heavy at times and random problems seem to arise- like one of the windows on our truck shattering, our dryer going out, and the couple who hosted our party on Saturday was in a serious car accident on Friday.

Yet despite all of these efforts to distract and defeat us, we can feel our faith and our intimacy with God growing. I love seeing the amazement in our kids' eyes as they hear about God's miraculous provision day by day. They pray with such simple faith and sincerity for courage to share the Gospel with the children in France. And their child-like faith is a great reminder to us that our heavenly Father has not brought us this far to leave us undone.

Please continue to pray for us as we prepare to embark on this adventure that He has laid out before us. We ask you to specifically pray for:

* Our hearts and minds to be prepared to minister, and for the people we will be ministering to

* Unity with our entire team (we'll meet for the first time in Clermont-Ferrand)

* ALL of the logistical details to come together- hotels, trains, misc. things that we will probably forget :)

*Opportunities for our kids to see how God wants to use them in a real way

* The rest of the financial support that we need for the trip to come in

For those of you that have given, thank you!!! For those of you that still want to give, now is the time to be part of our miracle! As God keeps reminding me, "Faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it" (Heb. 11:1). Thank you for partnering with us in prayer and support!

Much love,

Ted, Michelle, Emily, Daniel, Timothy & Judah

France 2012: Daniel's Promo & Update!

With less than one month before we leave for France, there is so much going on!

1) We have raised 45% of our total budget!

2) We have a (semi) active website that you should totally check out if you haven't already! You can see our upcoming House Show dates, videos from the kids about our trip, and weekly postings about our progress: www.liveconnectgrow.com

3) I've been busy creating some art pieces and jewelry to sell. I'll post them on my Etsy site as soon as they're ready. All proceeds from my Etsy shop will go towards our missions trip, so check it out!

4) We now have two ways to make a donation- through the Paypal button on this site, or for a tax-deductible donation, send checks to: Emmaus Church 316 South Goliad #207 Rockwall, TX 75087.

Now, enjoy our sweet Daniel's video:

France 2012: Timothy's Promo

Watch Timothy's little mind at work... :)

France 2012: Emily's Promo

Emily explains why she wants to go to France:

Overflowing

***Update: Wow! Thanks to some amazing people, we are now at 40% of our budget for our family missions trip! We currently have enough to buy 2 tickets to France, so we still need to raise enough to buy the other 3 tickets. But God has shown His faithfulness and people have shown their generosity over and over, so I have full confidence that He will provide all that we need!***

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I wanted to share something God spoke to me a few days ago. I was reading in John chapter 2 about Jesus' first miracle- water into wine. His family was at a wedding and suddenly there was no more wine for the celebration. Jesus asked some servants to fill six huge jars to the brim full of water. And when the master of ceremonies tasted it, he was shocked to discover the groom's family had "saved the best" for last.

Then I read the short devotional in my Bible on the next page. It asked a simple question- What do you want from Jesus? If He stood before me and asked, what would I say? After some reflection, I realized my answer would be "more of You." I have pain that needs healing, faults that need fixing in me, dreams that I want to see fulfilled. But more than any of those things, I realize what I need is more of Jesus. I want Him to fill me to overflowing. Then, nothing else will matter, and everything else will fall into place- healing, transformation, fulfillment. Yes, I want God to fill me to overflowing with more of Him.

Then I read my devotional in Streams in the Desert: "Each of these is God's way of providing vessels for the Holy Spirit to fill... the Lord is saying to you, 'Bring them here to me.' Firmly hold the vessels before Him, in faith and in prayer. Remain still before Him and stop your restless working until He begins to work... Allow God time to work and He surely will. Then... will become God's opportunity to reveal His grace and glory in your life, in ways you have never known before" (Streams, 211).

In John 2:11, I had underlined this- "He thus revealed his glory, and his disciples put their faith in him." Jesus' first miracle, turning the jars of water into wine, caused the disciples to believe in Him. So I felt like God was saying to me, to bring my empty jars, filled with ordinary stuff, or even pain and longing, and He would do a miracle- He would fill me to overflowing with Himself. So that it would reveal His glory and I would put my faith in Him and believe.

"What a source- God!... It is your heavenly privilege to trust all your needs to His glorious riches, to forget all your needs in the presence of His riches, in His great love... Go in and draw upon Him in simple childlike faith and you will never again have the need to rely on anything else" (Streams, 210). Just like the woman at the well, I can draw on God's supply of living water from the vessels He has filled within me. And I pray that God's glory would be revealed in my life and that many would believe in Him!

Stepping Out in Faith

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I'm so excited to share about an upcoming trip our family taking this summer. We have wanted to do missions for a while now. After doing a lot of research, we decided to partner with an organization called Operation Mobilization (OM). They currently have over 6,000 missionaries in over 120 countries.  You can learn more about OM through their website www.om.org.

Missions is a calling that includes our children. That is why we have chosen to go on a short-term missions trip with our kids this summer, living out our calling to be a missionary family. They have been very involved in this process. We’ve talked about why it’s important to tell people about Jesus and give up our comforts in order to serve and love people as He did. We have studied maps and learned about people groups, reading about different cultures’ beliefs and customs. And we’ve talked about which countries would be interesting to visit.

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We have the opportunity to go to Clermont-Ferrand, a village in south-central France at the end of July. The OM missionaries there are partnering with local churches to hold a week-long outreach to the community. We will be sharing the Gospel through artistic performances, literature distribution, children’s clubs, and International services, as well as ministering to the local churches.

Our kids are excited because they will be able to directly participate in evangelism to other children, so we asked them to share why they want to go:

“I want to tell them about God so that they will tell other people about what we told them. They need to know about what God did for us. He sent down his son, Jesus to die on the cross for us. It seems fun to tell people about God, like talking with them and teaching them.” (Daniel, 9)

“It’s important to tell people about God because then they can tell more and more and more people. God can do anything and He has powers and He can snap His fingers and destroy people, but He doesn’t want to destroy us. He tells us things in our hearts that we’re supposed to do, like clean up, and help other people that don’t have any food or if their car is broken. I’m excited that we get to do the puppets and do preaching and stuff because we need to learn about God because that’s really important. And I’m excited that we will do a band. Mommy will play the piano, and Emily will play the guitar, and Daniel will sing, and Daddy will do the drums, and I will dance.” (Timothy, 5)

“I want to go to help people learn more about God, because He wants us to share it with them. And He equips us with knowledge to give to other people, because they need to know God. I love France, and I’m excited that I’ll get to be with other people and help them learn about God. I’d love to do music and talk to little kids about Jesus. I’d tell them God rocks.” (Emily, 12)

We can’t wait to share the Good News with this community in France! But in order to get there, we need help. The total cost for the trip, flights, and passports for the kids is around $10,000. Our deposit of $1086.00 is due on May 23rd. It seems almost impossible that we could raise such a big amount of money in only two months, but we have seen God’s faithful provision for our family many, many times.  In less than a week, we have already raised over 10% of our funds! We strongly believe He is calling us to go, so we are stepping out in childlike faith. We are so excited that our children will see this faith in action, and will witness God’s faithful response to our obedience.

If you would like to donate to our trip, please let us know. We are working on the logistics of paying for the trip and for flights separately. Regardless if you can give or not, we would ask that you join with us in prayer. This missions trip is an adventurous challenge for our family, so please pray for God to prepare our hearts and the people we will minister to. Pray that the Lord will help us raise all the money we need, keep us safe, and that He will challenge and use each member of our family greatly in this work. We want to leave France knowing and resembling our Savior even more.

Thank you so much for your help!

Ted, Michelle, Emily, Daniel, Timothy & Judah Wallace :)

Part 3: Cultivating Hope in the Desert Seasons of Life

Ok, it has taken me a really long time to get back to this series. Sorry about that. :) In Silencing Depression Part 1, I shared a little bit of my story. In Part 2, I talked about how God Leads Us Into the Desert. This next part really helps me hold onto hope when all I can see is desert ahead.

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God Has a Purpose for the Desert

Our Father is more interested in shaping our character than making us happy. The lessons we learn in the desert will be necessary for our future. The desert is often a time of pruning, because He wants us to grow and be fruitful. Jesus says in John 15:1-2, "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."

Pruning

It's interesting that every branch is pruned, not just the dead wood. God isn't simply content with purifying the obvious maladies in us. He continues to prune even the healthy vines so they will bear even more fruit. When we first come to Christ we realize how sinful we truly are, and as we repent God shapes us into His image. We think there's nothing left to prune, until God slowly reveals other areas that need some work- like being a little lazy or selfish, spending too much, being irritable or indulging a little too often. Every time we think we're fine, that's usually when the Lord will reveal another layer of vines in need of pruning.

In Alicia Britt Chole's book, Anonymous, she shares a similar analogy about trees in winter.

What the plenty of summer hides, the nakedness of winter reveals: infrastructure. Fullness often distracts from foundations. But in the stillness of winter, the trees' true strength is unveiled... In spiritual winters, our fullness is thinned so that, undistracted by our giftings, we can focus upon our character. In the absence of anything to measure, we are left with nothing to stare at except for our foundation. Risking inspection, we begin to examine the motivations that support our deeds, the attitudes that influence our words, the dead wood otherwise hidden beneath our busyness... The Father's work in us does not sleep- though in spiritual winters he retracts all advertisement. And when he does so, he is purifying our faith, strengthening our character, conserving our energy, and preparing us for the future.

Just as a tree's true form is revealed during winter, we are exposed during a desert season of life. But although the desert may leave us vulnerable, it isn't meant to shame us. God has a purpose in mind.

Discipline Creates Character

God uses the desert seasons to discipline us and impart character traits that we desperately need. When the pruning becomes painful, I constantly remind myself that, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (Heb. 12:11) Some character traits are only learned from discipline- like perseverance and endurance. Discipline requires practice. And practice doesn't make perfect, but it does make progress.

After I had our fourth child, I really struggled getting household chores done. My sweet husband came up with a great solution- the kids needed to help. We wanted them to learn how to do different chores, so he created a chart that listed everything that needed to be done and assigned each of the kids to complete daily, weekly, and monthly chores. At first, they rioted. It wasn't fair. We were so mean. They wanted to watch tv and play. None of their friends had to do chores. They fought over who did what and refused to work together. It was hard on everyone, and I for one considered just letting things go back to normal. But Ted was persistent. He patiently taught them how to do each task and gave them feedback after they tried. He checked their progress and wouldn't allow them to rush through it or play until it was all finished.

I'm really proud of the kids. They eventually started getting up at the crack of dawn on Saturdays, just so they could finish their chores and play as long as possible. They work together and will trade off just to be nice to each other. Daniel recently told me after finishing his list, "I feel really sorry for my friend at school. We want to grow up and share an apartment. But the only chore he knows how to do is to play video games." We both laughed. :)

Lessons from the Desert

God does more than just shape our character in the desert seasons. He teaches us total dependence on Him. When you're desperate, God will provide. Whether it's manna for the Israelites, or money to pay your bills, the Lord takes care of His children. I can't even count the number of times someone anonymously sent us a check in the mail, we got an unexpected refund, or just found cash out of the blue (an old birthday card, pile of papers, even in our egg carton?!).

God teaches us that He is faithful and can be trusted. He will fulfill His Word. Even if it takes years, like it did for Abraham and Sarah. Many times we give up before we see the answer, or we forget what we prayed for, so we don't notice when God does answer our prayer. Throughout the Bible, God instructed His people to remember what He had done, by writing it down, going back and reading the stories, even constructing visual reminders (stones of remembrances). When we remember how God has been faithful in the past, our own faith is strengthened and we trust Him more. Every time I go back and read my journals, I can't help but be encouraged that God is faithful. I've been challenged lately to write down my prayers so that I can see more clearly when God answers them.

Another lesson we learn in the desert is that our hope comes from Him alone, not our circumstances. How many times have we complained that if we just had this or that, we would be fulfilled? That dream job, more money, the perfect figure, a soul mate, fewer responsibilities, a more exciting life,... does it ever end? I'm definitely guilty of it. It's so easy to get into that "if only" mentality. Then resentment seeps in, gratitude fades away, and our eyes turn their focus from God to our perceived "lack." Our circumstances dictate our happiness. But Jesus wants our eyes to be fixed on Him alone. Then we can say with Paul, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." (Phil. 4:11-13)

In the desert, we learn compassion for others. After we experience suffering, we can empathize with people in pain. We understand the difficult seasons of life, and if we have grown from them, we can offer encouragement. But one of the best things about sharing another's hurt is that we can rejoice with them when it's over. When several friends lost their jobs in the recent recession, we understood because Ted had lost his before. We prayed fervently with them, and were overjoyed when they were later hired. Being in true community with others means walking with them through difficulties, but it also means watching God restore and heal them. When we share in Christ's sufferings, we can share in His healing power and hope for ourselves and others. And it's beautiful to see that God can use everything for His glory and for our good.

In Wendy Blight's book, Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner, she recounts the painful story of being raped and the subsequent questions about why God allowed it to happen. But as she searched God's Word for answers, she found His peace. After all she had been through, she was able to say:

Our suffering is not meaningless because God has a plan. He asks us to trust in that plan, and we can because we trust in Him... He intends to use every gift, every talent, and every life experience, good and bad, for His purpose and His glory... God alone knows exactly what you and I must endure in order to form His character in us. It is in our trials that God refines us and removes our impurities... The tough question for us as His children is this: Are we willing to accept His refinement?

God has a purpose for the desert. We usually can't see it while we are in the middle of the desert season. But as we continue to journey forward and fix our eyes on Jesus, we can learn to trust that He has planned our path for a reason.

Part 4: God Orders a Season for the Desert, is next!

Part 2: Cultivating Hope in the Desert Seasons of Life

**If you want to read Part 1, go here.**

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God Leads Us Into the Desert

"So I am going to take her into the desert again; there I will win her back with words of love." (Hosea 2:14)

God wants to get us away from distractions, to be isolated, show us our own self-reliance, and realize our need for Him. He wants us to spend quality time alone with Him, getting to know Him better and love Him more.

The Desert

So what is the "desert"? It's that place that you're stuck in, where you can't find a way out, none of your efforts help, and it goes on and on seemingly forever. Maybe you can't find a job and you've exhausted all of your resources. Or it's finances; you just can't seem to keep your head above water no matter how hard you try. Or maybe it's a relationship with your husband or your child or your good friend. There's a distance there, or even outright disconnection, and it seems impossible to fix. Maybe it's a health problem that won't go away. Or the loss of a dream you held dear in your heart. Or it could even just be a period of numbness, like life is passing you by but you can't seem to engage in it.

Whatever your "desert" is, the common theme is feeling stuck and thinking that things will never change. It is filled with trials, testing, and even suffering.

Why God takes us

Why does God take us into the desert? Sometimes it's because of our sin that He has us stay put until we surrender completely to Him. The Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years because of their disobedience to God. Over and over God had to allow suffering before they would finally turn to God. Hosea 5:15 says, "I will abandon my people until they have suffered enough for their sins and come looking for me. Perhaps in their suffering they will try to find me."

God will often allow the desert time because He wants to test and increase our faith. Many heroes of the faith have walked this lonely road- Abraham waiting for an heir and then being told to sacrifice his promised son, Job losing everything he had, Paul's many beatings, jailings and shipwrecks as he shared the Gospel- to name a few.

Many times God uses the desert time to teach us, strengthen our character, rid us of selfish ambition, learn humility and dependence on Him. He uses the desert to shape us into His image. Joseph was sold into slavery by his own brothers, and then falsely accused and spent years in prison. But he learned patience, humility, and trust in God during those difficult years. When he had the chance to get even with his brothers, instead he responded with love, saying, "Do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you... So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God." (Gen. 45:5,8)

We will all experience suffering

It's definitely not a popular message, but it's true. God allows suffering to come upon His people. There are some believers that talk about pain as if it is only caused by sin. They say that if you're sick, you don't have enough faith because God always wants you to be well. If you're having a hard time, you just need to believe you already have the answer and then it will come.

But the Bible does not guarantee an easy life for anyone, let alone Christians. In fact in 1 Peter 4:12 it says, "Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you." Even Jesus, "son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered." (Heb. 5:8) We will all experience the desert seasons.

My times are in Your hands (Ps. 31:15)

Recently I read again about Corrie ten Boom (in Life Lessons from the Hiding Place). This courageous Dutchwoman helped hide Jews in her home from the Nazis during WWII. After her family was caught, Corrie spent nearly a year in prison and in a death camp in Germany. Her father, sister, and nephew all died in prison, and afterwards she discovered her release was a clerical error- a week later all the women her age were sent to the gas chambers.

But despite the horrors she endured, she left with a determination that "there is no pit so deep, the love of God is not deeper still." In response to someone saying that it must have been her faith that helped her survive, she said no, "My faith was so weak, so unstable... no, it was Jesus! He who said, 'I am with you to the end of the world.' It was His eternal arms that carried me through. He was my certainty. If I tell you that it was my faith, you might say if you have to go through suffering, 'I don't have Corrie ten Boom's faith.' But if I tell you it was Jesus, then you can trust that He who helped me through will do the same for you."

Corrie's family strongly believed in the sovereignty of God. That "He who is all-loving and always good determines the paths His children take, allowing pain and suffering to come to them for an eventually good purpose... All our times are in God's hands, even the difficult ones."

God chooses to use the desert time- discipline, testing, and suffering- in order to make us more like Him. In Psalm 37:23 it says, "The steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord." And "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." (Prov. 16:9)

But just as God is sovereign, He is also loving. God is not some distant being that leaves us alone in the world, nor is He an evil dictator that sets out to punish us for every mistake. He loves us, and because of that love, He wants the best for us. However, the best isn't always what's easiest. "Have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children?... It's the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects." (Heb. 12:5-6 MSG) Those of you with kids know that you can't give in to every desire your children have. Sometimes discipline and pain benefit them far more than fun and easiness. This is called "tough love."

*****

Part 3: God Has a Purpose for the Desert coming soon!

Silencing Depression: Cultivating Hope in the Desert Seasons of Life, Part 1

Last week I went to a women's conference in New Mexico. Our band, Finding Cadence, lead worship and I spoke at one of the workshops. My class was titled Silencing Depression: Cultivating Hope in the Desert Seasons of Life.

The whole weekend was amazing. The main speaker, Renay West, was anointed and used her testimony as a survivor of childhood abuse to speak about healing and freedom from bondage. The women were incredible worshipers, and they really responded to the services and classes.

I went feeling very dry, but knowing that God had appointed this event, so I expected Him to do something. And I left feeling more hopeful and expectant than I have been in a very long time. Even more, I feel like God began to heal places in my heart that have been open wounds until now. I have been living out what I shared in the class, trying to find hope in the desert. So as I taught, I was reminding myself as much as the women I was speaking to.

Ted recorded my class, but for some reason the tape didn't turn out so you can't hear anything. I'm really bummed, because I was going to post a link for some other ladies that need the message of hope. So in lieu of a video, I wanted to at least write about what God shared with me. Since there's a lot, I'll just post some of it today, and I'll continue with more in the next few days. I hope it encourages those of you desert wanderers.

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The Bible says that we will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of our testimony (Rev. 12:11). So I'd like to share some of mine.

I grew up in a pastor's home. Even though we loved the Lord and served Him, many in our family struggled with depression, including me. I was shy and sensitive. I married my childhood sweetheart at 19, and a year later I had fulfilled my life long dream- to be married to Ted and have kids. That's when I realized I needed bigger dreams. :)

After I had my daughter Emily, I had really bad post-partum depression. I was hearing things, having panic attacks, and wanted to hurt myself. At that time, I didn't support the idea of counseling or medication. I grew up believing that if you had a problem, you "prayed through" until you got an answer. I would pray and pray, but nothing changed. I felt like I was in a deep black hole and no one could help me.

And then one day, God miraculously healed me. I was at the funeral of a pastor who had died very young, and for whatever reason, God chose to touch me that day. It was like a huge cloud lifted and I could see and think clearly again. I started writing songs and poems out of the blue, and I felt peace and joy for the first time in my life.

I didn't have any more symptoms of depression until almost three years later. I was eight months pregnant with my second child, Daniel, and I could feel it coming on like a storm. I recognized the heaviness as it took over, and after my son was born I again had severe post-partum depression, even wanting to die. After five months I finally began an intensive outpatient program, with counseling and medication. Slowly, I started to mend.

I share that because I know so many are living with shame about having to take medication. I know God can heal people in an instant, but so often He chooses to use time and process. I don't know why He chose to heal me the first time miraculously and then later with meds, but I do know He has used it for His glory. I have much more compassion and understanding because I've had to take medication, and it seems like whenever I talk about it openly, other women can freely admit to the same.

After a year of counseling and medication, I started to feel sane again. After that, I had periods of time where I'd struggle with depression, but not to the depths as before. Four years after I began counseling and meds, I had my third child, Timothy. This time around I didn't have any depression, praise the Lord! Things in life were going really well, too. We were raising support to be home missionaries, loving ministry and people. We started a band and I began doing art. We were very fulfilled.

Then things started to slowly fall apart. We couldn't raise enough money to meet our budget, so Ted had to get a second job. The pastor at our church, who we were very close to at one point, left for moral failure. We had to take the money we had raised as a band for our first album and divide it between us, just so we could pay our rent. Our band dissolved, and I stopped writing songs and doing art. Ted continued to try for different jobs that would pay the bills, but it seemed like every door was slammed in his face.

God had spoken such beautiful dreams about what He wanted us to do in ministry and in life. We left our church feeling certain that He would show us where to go and what to do. Instead, we found ourselves wandering in the desert for the past two years. God provided manna for us. I can't even recount how many times someone gave us money or a reimbursement check would show up for something. He has been faithful to provide. But it has been a difficult process of not knowing where we're going, when we'll get there, or how things will be when we finally do.

Out of this time, God began to speak to me some truths about the desert. So when I was asked to speak about depression and hope to the women in New Mexico, I knew what He wanted me to share:

1. God leads us into the desert

2. God has a purpose for the desert

3. God orders a season for the desert

4. God provides streams in the desert

I'll save the rest for later. :)

For My Own Good

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I read a devotional the other day that kicked me in the pants- in a good way. The verse was from Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." And it was about how Paul, although doing the work of God, had faced such immense suffering. Shouldn't God's favor have protected Paul from so much trouble?

In my head, I know the answers for Paul's case. His suffering produced character traits in him that wouldn't have been learned otherwise. His response to the trials brought tremendous glory to God, and won people to the Lord. And he was able to lead with compassion because he understood pain. There are so many reasons why God allows suffering. It's easy to see it in Biblical examples.

But in my own life, I've been acting like I believe something else. Like because I want to serve the Lord, everything should be going great. I shouldn't have to wait for His promises. It's not fair. I've been good, tried hard to be perfect, even. I've should have earned His attention by now... And then I recognize my bad attitude and switch to the opposite. I guess because I'm stuck in this rut it means I'm not worthy of God's love or attention. I must be unloveable. I can't do anything for God...

Sometimes I need an in-your-face reminder that I've got it all backwards. In Romans 9:16-17, Paul reminds us that God's promise "does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. For the Scripture says... 'I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.' "

I can't be good enough or try hard enough to earn God's blessing. He chooses to love and promise good things to me because He simply chose to. So when I feel like I deserve more, I remember that I can't earn it. And when I feel unworthy, I remember that it's ok because He gets more glory. God uses the weak to display His power.

In the meantime, I remind myself that God loves me. And if He loves me, then He will work all things together for my good. So I must continue to trust and wait until He sends an answer. So really, once again it's about faith that God will do what He's promised. And once again I must ask Him to change me, not my circumstances. And once again I must ask for His grace to cover me while I'm waiting.

From a Friend

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A friend of mine emailed me the other day. It was so beautifully written and so encouraging I thought I'd share it...

just wanted to say hi...thinking of you guys today. wish there was a way to "fix" everything for all of us. like a magic potion or something:)

i know your passions are inspired; your dreams are anointed...and yet your hopes are deferred...for now.
may the God of peace soon crush Satan under your feet and may you find the reality of the Glory of God alive and well in your every circumstance.

i appreciate your friendship and your honesty. i admire your strength and determination. thanks for being you.

sometimes God's glory is not easily visible, audible, nor wears the garments we expect; it is often hidden, under heavy rocks, or on the highest hills or disguised as something strange, old, and humble. may God give you new eyes to see the old things and new strength to discover the hidden beauties of His grace and power.

lots of love to you and Ted...

Awakening

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During worship at church this past Sunday, I had a realization. I have been sleepwalking through life for a while. And not just because I have a newborn at home. Of course, there's that. But long before I was even pregnant, I started to fall asleep. Disappointments lead to shutting down tiny pieces of my heart, until I had finally pressed a button to turn it off altogether. Suddenly things I was passionate about didn't seem to matter much. The color and beauty of life faded to a gray cloud that seemed to follow me around. And just like when it rains outside, I got sleepy.

So often music jars me back to life. It almost slapped me in the face that day, and I needed it. As I reflected on the concept of awakening, I began to notice other issues. When my passion faded, so did my identity and self-worth. I was surprised at how they went hand in hand. Confining myself to monotony forced the best parts of me to lie dormant. I kept waiting for circumstances to change, telling myself that once things were different, I'd come back to life. I'd start to create again, be more intentional in reaching out to others, challenge myself to grow and dream. All the ways I feel alive and hopeful.

But when you build walls around your heart, you're not protecting yourself. You're trapping yourself. By the time I saw the truth of it, I was almost paralyzed by fear and self-doubt. Even simple decisions were overwhelming. And I wore shame like a blanket, suffocating my mind and covering the truth. God's truth about Himself, and how He saw me.

I woke up to all of this and cried out for help. I know what God's Word says, but I realized I didn't believe it applied to me. Then I was more ashamed, more self-loathing. But somewhere in that cycle, I decided to try a different tactic. What if I simply chose to believe God, even for just a week? Despite my feelings and recent experiences, just chose in child-like faith to accept His Word as truth for myself. The truth that He not only saved me from something, but for something. That He created me with a purpose in mind. That no time is ever wasted, no situation is ever unredeemable. That He will work all things together for my good. That He is leading and guiding me and will never forsake me. That I don't have to be perfect. And especially that I am His precious daughter, and nothing could ever separate me from His love.

This week I chose to put aside my negative emotions, erosive doubts, and debilitating fears. To once again embrace the God He says He is. And as soon as I allowed myself to just believe it, I felt hope rise up inside my heart. I felt freer, lighter, more awake. I remembered what I always told others- that faith is a choice. It doesn't always make sense. But when you embrace it, that tiny seed of hope grows into assurance and trust and even peace that goes beyond understanding. I'm not fully back to where I was, alive and able to dream with abandon. But I know I've taken a step back in the right direction. My heart has been awakened again.

Lift Your Eyes Up

I was listening to this in the car and finally was able to hear past the amazing music to the words. I hope it encourages you today.

Feels like your world's crashing down

And solid ground is hard to be felt
It feels like the walls are closing

And then night has fallen

And the sun is gone, your heart is dry

You need sometime to find God

Come on, come on, lift your eyes up
Lift your eyes up to the hills

Even in the testing fire

God supplies every need in your life

And He'll come like the morning star

And wipe away your hurts, fears

The dark will fall and the light will shine
It's all alright with God here

Here the sun will shine, it's a holiday

It's a brighter day for you

Rebuilding the Nest

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Last week I found a dead bird on our patio. I looked around to see what may have caused it- no animal bite marks, no broken nest or any shattered eggs. It looked like it had just fallen out of the sky, poor thing. I know it happens in life, that birds die. But it upset me to see it like that, in my yard. I tried not to read into it. But it felt like a bad sign.

Yesterday, my four-year-old took me outside to show me the nest that had fallen. Over the weekend, it had been unusually windy. So it made sense that this perfectly created nest had been blown out of its home tree. Although I knew it wouldn't be used again by any birds once it had fallen, I still picked up the nest and placed it in a cozy spot in our biggest tree. Again, I tried not to read into it. A dead bird. An empty nest. I joked with Ted that maybe God was telling us to move.

Today I went to look at the nest. It's completely destroyed. Last night it stormed. I could hear the rain pounding against the house and the wind shaking my wind chimes ferociously outside. But I still thought the nest would hold together in my tree. It had looked so sturdy, even after falling.

So I can't help but read into it today. You see, lately everything has been falling apart. From big things like our car dying the week after having our 4th child and being down to one income, to small things like our computer and tv suddenly biting the dust. I'm home with the kids, trying to survive life with a newborn and still make time for the others, all while my foggy brain tries to make do on a few hours sleep and roller coaster hormones. It's not pretty, folks. And Ted has spent the last 6 months trying to find a job that will actually pay all the bills, which seems like a monumental thing to hope for these days.

And for the last year, God has been calling us to go in a new direction. But after losing count of the numerous prospective doors shut in our faces, we're left with our heads spinning and wondering if we heard correctly to begin with. So we overanalyze every sermon and Scripture, hoping to gain clarity and direction. We listen to our friends and family recount how God worked it out in their lives. We scour our hearts to see if we have some hidden sin, or have missed a turn somewhere. We question if this is a timing thing, or a big test that we're failing, or if God even likes us anymore.

So back to the bird's nest. It was made with careful forethought. Tightly woven together, with hopeful plans of family and a purposeful future. Made by a creature God Himself said He watches over. But the winds came and knocked it down. Even then, it was sturdy and survived until a heavy storm smashed it to pieces at last. I feel pulverized, too.

But today the sun is shining again. The wind is still, and the ground isn't thirsty and cracked like it usually is in the Texas summer. I can look out the window and see dozens of birds flying from tree to tree in our yard. They seem carefree, completely oblivious to last night's storm. Maybe the bird who lost its nest is already beginning to rebuild another.

There's so much hope in the thought of it. Like the verse God keeps whispering to my heart,

"The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand." (Ps. 37:23-4)

And then this,

"The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, an ever-flowing spring." (Is. 58:11)

And another,

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea." (Ps. 46:1-2)

When I take it all together, I'm reassured that He sees. Even when the storms come, even when I'm beaten down and cry out and still have no answers- He is with me. I cannot crush the hope inside me. The ridiculous belief that my God will rescue us. That what He spoke will happen for us. That our present difficulties do not predict our future demise. I'm reminded of what the apostle Paul said:

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed... For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Cor. 4:8-9, 17-18)

Thank you, God, for once again reminding me to focus my wandering eyes on you. Thank you for speaking to my heart and renewing my mind with your truth. Help me to rebuild my nest, one piece at a time again today.