For My Own Good

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I read a devotional the other day that kicked me in the pants- in a good way. The verse was from Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." And it was about how Paul, although doing the work of God, had faced such immense suffering. Shouldn't God's favor have protected Paul from so much trouble?

In my head, I know the answers for Paul's case. His suffering produced character traits in him that wouldn't have been learned otherwise. His response to the trials brought tremendous glory to God, and won people to the Lord. And he was able to lead with compassion because he understood pain. There are so many reasons why God allows suffering. It's easy to see it in Biblical examples.

But in my own life, I've been acting like I believe something else. Like because I want to serve the Lord, everything should be going great. I shouldn't have to wait for His promises. It's not fair. I've been good, tried hard to be perfect, even. I've should have earned His attention by now... And then I recognize my bad attitude and switch to the opposite. I guess because I'm stuck in this rut it means I'm not worthy of God's love or attention. I must be unloveable. I can't do anything for God...

Sometimes I need an in-your-face reminder that I've got it all backwards. In Romans 9:16-17, Paul reminds us that God's promise "does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. For the Scripture says... 'I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.' "

I can't be good enough or try hard enough to earn God's blessing. He chooses to love and promise good things to me because He simply chose to. So when I feel like I deserve more, I remember that I can't earn it. And when I feel unworthy, I remember that it's ok because He gets more glory. God uses the weak to display His power.

In the meantime, I remind myself that God loves me. And if He loves me, then He will work all things together for my good. So I must continue to trust and wait until He sends an answer. So really, once again it's about faith that God will do what He's promised. And once again I must ask Him to change me, not my circumstances. And once again I must ask for His grace to cover me while I'm waiting.

From a Friend

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A friend of mine emailed me the other day. It was so beautifully written and so encouraging I thought I'd share it...

just wanted to say hi...thinking of you guys today. wish there was a way to "fix" everything for all of us. like a magic potion or something:)

i know your passions are inspired; your dreams are anointed...and yet your hopes are deferred...for now.
may the God of peace soon crush Satan under your feet and may you find the reality of the Glory of God alive and well in your every circumstance.

i appreciate your friendship and your honesty. i admire your strength and determination. thanks for being you.

sometimes God's glory is not easily visible, audible, nor wears the garments we expect; it is often hidden, under heavy rocks, or on the highest hills or disguised as something strange, old, and humble. may God give you new eyes to see the old things and new strength to discover the hidden beauties of His grace and power.

lots of love to you and Ted...

Awakening

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During worship at church this past Sunday, I had a realization. I have been sleepwalking through life for a while. And not just because I have a newborn at home. Of course, there's that. But long before I was even pregnant, I started to fall asleep. Disappointments lead to shutting down tiny pieces of my heart, until I had finally pressed a button to turn it off altogether. Suddenly things I was passionate about didn't seem to matter much. The color and beauty of life faded to a gray cloud that seemed to follow me around. And just like when it rains outside, I got sleepy.

So often music jars me back to life. It almost slapped me in the face that day, and I needed it. As I reflected on the concept of awakening, I began to notice other issues. When my passion faded, so did my identity and self-worth. I was surprised at how they went hand in hand. Confining myself to monotony forced the best parts of me to lie dormant. I kept waiting for circumstances to change, telling myself that once things were different, I'd come back to life. I'd start to create again, be more intentional in reaching out to others, challenge myself to grow and dream. All the ways I feel alive and hopeful.

But when you build walls around your heart, you're not protecting yourself. You're trapping yourself. By the time I saw the truth of it, I was almost paralyzed by fear and self-doubt. Even simple decisions were overwhelming. And I wore shame like a blanket, suffocating my mind and covering the truth. God's truth about Himself, and how He saw me.

I woke up to all of this and cried out for help. I know what God's Word says, but I realized I didn't believe it applied to me. Then I was more ashamed, more self-loathing. But somewhere in that cycle, I decided to try a different tactic. What if I simply chose to believe God, even for just a week? Despite my feelings and recent experiences, just chose in child-like faith to accept His Word as truth for myself. The truth that He not only saved me from something, but for something. That He created me with a purpose in mind. That no time is ever wasted, no situation is ever unredeemable. That He will work all things together for my good. That He is leading and guiding me and will never forsake me. That I don't have to be perfect. And especially that I am His precious daughter, and nothing could ever separate me from His love.

This week I chose to put aside my negative emotions, erosive doubts, and debilitating fears. To once again embrace the God He says He is. And as soon as I allowed myself to just believe it, I felt hope rise up inside my heart. I felt freer, lighter, more awake. I remembered what I always told others- that faith is a choice. It doesn't always make sense. But when you embrace it, that tiny seed of hope grows into assurance and trust and even peace that goes beyond understanding. I'm not fully back to where I was, alive and able to dream with abandon. But I know I've taken a step back in the right direction. My heart has been awakened again.

Lift Your Eyes Up

I was listening to this in the car and finally was able to hear past the amazing music to the words. I hope it encourages you today.

Feels like your world's crashing down

And solid ground is hard to be felt
It feels like the walls are closing

And then night has fallen

And the sun is gone, your heart is dry

You need sometime to find God

Come on, come on, lift your eyes up
Lift your eyes up to the hills

Even in the testing fire

God supplies every need in your life

And He'll come like the morning star

And wipe away your hurts, fears

The dark will fall and the light will shine
It's all alright with God here

Here the sun will shine, it's a holiday

It's a brighter day for you

Rebuilding the Nest

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Last week I found a dead bird on our patio. I looked around to see what may have caused it- no animal bite marks, no broken nest or any shattered eggs. It looked like it had just fallen out of the sky, poor thing. I know it happens in life, that birds die. But it upset me to see it like that, in my yard. I tried not to read into it. But it felt like a bad sign.

Yesterday, my four-year-old took me outside to show me the nest that had fallen. Over the weekend, it had been unusually windy. So it made sense that this perfectly created nest had been blown out of its home tree. Although I knew it wouldn't be used again by any birds once it had fallen, I still picked up the nest and placed it in a cozy spot in our biggest tree. Again, I tried not to read into it. A dead bird. An empty nest. I joked with Ted that maybe God was telling us to move.

Today I went to look at the nest. It's completely destroyed. Last night it stormed. I could hear the rain pounding against the house and the wind shaking my wind chimes ferociously outside. But I still thought the nest would hold together in my tree. It had looked so sturdy, even after falling.

So I can't help but read into it today. You see, lately everything has been falling apart. From big things like our car dying the week after having our 4th child and being down to one income, to small things like our computer and tv suddenly biting the dust. I'm home with the kids, trying to survive life with a newborn and still make time for the others, all while my foggy brain tries to make do on a few hours sleep and roller coaster hormones. It's not pretty, folks. And Ted has spent the last 6 months trying to find a job that will actually pay all the bills, which seems like a monumental thing to hope for these days.

And for the last year, God has been calling us to go in a new direction. But after losing count of the numerous prospective doors shut in our faces, we're left with our heads spinning and wondering if we heard correctly to begin with. So we overanalyze every sermon and Scripture, hoping to gain clarity and direction. We listen to our friends and family recount how God worked it out in their lives. We scour our hearts to see if we have some hidden sin, or have missed a turn somewhere. We question if this is a timing thing, or a big test that we're failing, or if God even likes us anymore.

So back to the bird's nest. It was made with careful forethought. Tightly woven together, with hopeful plans of family and a purposeful future. Made by a creature God Himself said He watches over. But the winds came and knocked it down. Even then, it was sturdy and survived until a heavy storm smashed it to pieces at last. I feel pulverized, too.

But today the sun is shining again. The wind is still, and the ground isn't thirsty and cracked like it usually is in the Texas summer. I can look out the window and see dozens of birds flying from tree to tree in our yard. They seem carefree, completely oblivious to last night's storm. Maybe the bird who lost its nest is already beginning to rebuild another.

There's so much hope in the thought of it. Like the verse God keeps whispering to my heart,

"The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand." (Ps. 37:23-4)

And then this,

"The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, an ever-flowing spring." (Is. 58:11)

And another,

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea." (Ps. 46:1-2)

When I take it all together, I'm reassured that He sees. Even when the storms come, even when I'm beaten down and cry out and still have no answers- He is with me. I cannot crush the hope inside me. The ridiculous belief that my God will rescue us. That what He spoke will happen for us. That our present difficulties do not predict our future demise. I'm reminded of what the apostle Paul said:

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed... For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Cor. 4:8-9, 17-18)

Thank you, God, for once again reminding me to focus my wandering eyes on you. Thank you for speaking to my heart and renewing my mind with your truth. Help me to rebuild my nest, one piece at a time again today.

Spark Art & Writing- New Poem

We just finished another round of SPARK, the art/writing challenge. This was my partner, artist Dana Gray's inspiration piece to me:

And this was my response piece:

Together

Love is a swirling mass of colors,
Bliss sweeping us into the clouds
The world disappears as I look in your eyes
We forge ahead, day by day
Partnering together in life's routine
Excitement fades, replaced by something deeper
A less flattering, more solid love
The storms come, nearly knocking us over
But we cling together, side by side
We watch as others separate,
The vivid colors of love fade to gray
Now dissolved halves wandering alone
But we cling harder to each other,
Grateful to be lost together in the storm
As the winds die down, I realize we are scarred
But our wounds have bound us as one,
Healing fuses our bones together
The colors swirl around us again
Renewed love sweeps us away once more

This was my inspiration piece to my partner:

Survival Mode

Where the heck am I going?

Driving blindfolded,

It's hard to stay on the road

Walking zombie, arms outstretched

Snatching anything I feel

Willing this to be IT-

The place where confusion lifts,

Epiphanies rest

Frustration! Agh!

When, oh, when

Will this fog disperse?

Stand on that mountain-rock

Breathing clean air,

Vision restored

I'm tired of drudging in circles,

Survival mode-

Let it end; no more!

My foot is firm, my brow is set,

Refusing to take that sedative

This patient will obstinately

Insist on a change

And this was her response piece:

Gifts & Encouragement

It's so much fun to check the mail and realize there's something in there besides bills and junk mail. Gifts! Thanks to the generous artists in the One World One Heart giveaway, I actually won a few prizes, and they're starting to arrive.

From Kim Mailhot:

From Elsina Schepers:

From Diana Meade:

From Rhea Sunshine:

And I mailed off my gift, a Hope Jar made especially for Barbara Cagle:

I've been reminded recently how fulfilling it is to encourage others. A little goes a long way, especially when your tank is empty, so to speak. I've been praying for God to open my eyes to the opportunities He's placed around me, and then courage to act on it. Giving friendly smiles, encouraging words, and praying with people has made my life so much more enjoyable. It shouldn't be that surprising that loving people makes my heart overflow, but sometimes I let life distract me. It's so easy to become self-focused and forget that others are hurting.

So to all of you struggling in life right now- let someone know. Let them love you and help you through it. Go outside and enjoy the coming spring, the rebirth happening all around us. Create something to express what words can't for you. And especially, fix your eyes on Jesus. Stay in His presence and cling to His Word. The truth will transform your mind, alter your perspective, and help you rest in His goodness. No matter what's going on, God loves you, hasn't forgotten you, and is with you even now. I pray His peace will rest on you today.

:) Michelle